(part 1, written 3 weeks ago)
Inside my head, there is no rest, always thinking, always planning, calculating, happy, laughing, frustrated, tired, optimistic, idealist. Too much thinking, too much planning, too much calculating, too much frustration and that means that the pressure cooker safety valve needs to be used.
The after effects of chemo has made this pressure cooker system cook faster. I also think the pressure cooker safety valve is stuck in the closed position.
The danger of this is not always clearly evident. In my brain, those constant thoughts of everything to fix in every aspect of life is challenging but then something outside of my brain, ie interacting with another human being, doesn’t go the way I thought it would. When this happens, again and again, the pressure builds.
On a physical level, I feel chest pains, tiredness and my skin is itchy. Every article I have read about stress says that it shortens your life. Knowing this, I am striving to decrease the stress and live longer. HAHAHAH, easier said then done in today’s world.
So earlier this week, I decided to just be by myself (ok, the dog was with me too,) during the day, listen to music and do nothing. No school drop off or pick up, no interaction with others all because everyone else’s life is perfect and I didn’t want to see that. (yes, I know nobody’s life is perfect but my brain likes to imagine that is how it is). I fought with myself to follow that daily routine, but it didn’t feel right.
The days were so much longer. I felt more alone. My brain was still working overtime. The music was blasting at home, one song on repeat and the dog put her paws over her ears after 5 hours of the same song. I made the pressure even worse.
My friends missed me, wondered why I was missing stuff at school, invited me to lunch, dropped off presents through the mail slot in the door and I still couldn’t face anyone because I just wanted to cry. Crying might have been a good idea to release the pressure. Instead, I was dragged out of my self-imposed exile back into human interaction and an amazing showing of friendship on the fourth day.
This blog is my therapy. (and a safety valve to that pressure cooker of life :-)
Life’s Pressure builds up and needs to be released. It sneaks up on me. I don’t think I am alone in that aspect.
My safety valves are good times with friends, good music blasting from the speakers, laughing, and getting a new perspective along with traveling with the family.
What is in my pressure cooker of life? Are the kids succeeding at school? Am I giving them the support they need? Is that enough? What is for dinner? What is happening in the world of politics?
(Part 2, today, 2018.March.7)
Will anyone disagree with this statement?
BEING A PARENT IS HARD WORK.
Any takers? No?
No matter what you do as a parent, your child must choose and live their own path, even though as parents we know best. Right?
I know best based on the facts I have and my own experiences. I can give guidance. I can support. I can reason. The other human being can listen and hear what I am saying but they must make their own decision. And they have to live with their decisions and the path they choose.
As parents we create these new human beings because Love is LOVE. We only want the best for them. The best for them might not be what WE think it is. That is why it is so hard to be a parent.
As a parent to my children, I am committed to support them, listen to them, give guidance, be their strongest advocate in every situation, to show them the world and have them be confident. I am a cheerleader. I will see the good in them and shout it from the mountaintops and whisper it in their ear. I will give alternatives to decisions they must make. I will encourage them to take a place in society that is respectful, polite and honest. I will buy them snacks and candy so they have something to munch on when studying. I will believe in their potential. I will let them make important decisions about their own future. I will support and encourage them in whatever path they take after making those hard decisions.
My parents did all of the above for me. I am lucky. I had the support and confidence of my parents even though I often did the opposite of what they wanted me to do. My path through life has been fantastic- but it hasn’t been in a straight line. All of my “crazy” and “daring” life experiences have made me what I am thanks to my parents.
I am a cancer survivor. I am a fighter. I am a parent. I only get one life to make it the best it can be.
Today was monumental. I will look back on it in the future as the starting point to the their path in so many ways.
Every day, I am trying to live my dream. I want my children to feel that they can also live their dream. I am there for them.
LOVE. GRATEFUL. PARENTS. OFFSPRING. FAMILY. FRIENDS. GOOD TEACHERS. EMPATHY.
LIFE. DREAMS. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.