Monday, July 2, 2018

The one left behind.


It's been a great first six months of the year.
It's been a usual first six months of the year.
It's all changed now as I become the one left behind to continue living in London and the others have moved on to more exciting adventures.

Living in the expat community, even though we are locals, means that there are people moving in and out of our lives each year. It affects my life on so many levels.

Lisbon, 2014

London, 2015
Stockholm, 2015

Berlin, 2016

Aberdeen, 2017

Madrid, 2017

















Ojo Caliente, 2017

Taos, 2017
We have been here for 4 years, so far. It has been fantastic. I am so lucky with the people I have met and all the friends that I have found/made. I am truly blessed to have so many close friends to share the good times and the bad times with. I am a social person and I get my energy from being around other people that "get me."

Even though we live abroad, we live the day to day life like a local. This is our neighborhood. This is having the coffee shop know you and know how you like your coffee, it's the butcher, the shopkeepers, the way the pavement is uneven on your walk to school that makes the small things in life become your base and comfort zone.

I have the routine of walking to school with friends and getting the morning chit chat to start the day off right. It's getting to school and seeing the other moms and then we might go for a coffee to just add to the chit chat. Then the routine happens in reverse at the end of the day to pick up the kids. It is all comforting.  I have had these routines for 4 years.

Yes, each year some people move and leave London and I most likely won't see them again in real life unless they come for a visit to London but I will do my best to keep in contact through Facebook.

But the ones I need in my (daily) life have now all moved away. It's the core group who first welcomed me to London and just thinking of all that we have done in the past 4 years in that day to day life is what hurts the most. (OK, a quick pause to get the tissues and pat my eyes)

(I'm back.)

They have left London but each of them has left their mark and I will be reminded of them daily as I go about local life. Walking past Charm's house, walking past Avery's house and now walking past Kristina's street, Cris's house and Michelle's house will bring a smile with a tinge of sadness to my face. It will be hard in the beginning but I know it will get easier.  Although the geographic distance between us is great, the connection to them is still very local and I appreciate their friendship every day especially when I am reminded of them going about the daily life here in London.

When I walk down the High Road past Gail's Bakery, I look at the outside table on the corner and always think of Avery and it's been 3 years since she moved.  Almost every time, I glance in the window at Kitchen and Pantry to see if Zulma is sitting in there working on her computer and always feel a sense of loss that she is not there but I also think of the good times we have had and the next time we are going to meet. I will have to continue to eat gelato at Oddono's at least once a week, it will be hard but someone has to do it.

Charm's old house
Zulma's street
Any chance, Zulma is in there?
Always a smile when I think of the times Avery was sitting there. 

Everyone's favorite gelato place

Kristina's street (and Angie's little food shop across the road)

Coffee shop on the way to school.

Michelle's house
The upside to all of this is that I have a few new places and countries to visit in the coming months. (I hope they have the spare bedroom ready for me.) That is very exciting.

The down side has been all the "lasts" that we have had the past few weeks. Last walk to school. Last time at the coffee shops. Last "goodbye" or "see you soon." Last time to enjoy the city. Last night at the pub.  The combination of happiness and sorrow at each of these "lasts" is so bittersweet.

Last lunch Cris, Michelle and me.

Last brunch at the Holst House.

So many good times with Kristina and Magnus! 

Chiswick, June 2018 (last picture of all of us living in London)

The emotion is so raw. It's the end of an era. I am the one left behind.  

Luckily for me and for them, our friendships will just continue in a new and improved way. 
Of that, I am sure. 



FRIENDSHIP. LOVED. CHANGES. 
NEW ADVENTURES. 
GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE. 
MEMORIES. LAUGHING. CRYING. FRIENDS.
LIVE EACH DAY. 
BRING JOY TO OTHERS.







Wednesday, March 7, 2018

My brain, stress and living life


(part 1, written 3 weeks ago)
Inside my head, there is no rest, always thinking, always planning, calculating, happy, laughing, frustrated, tired, optimistic, idealist.  Too much thinking, too much planning, too much calculating, too much frustration and that means that the pressure cooker safety valve needs to be used.

The after effects of chemo has made this pressure cooker system cook faster. I also think the pressure cooker safety valve is stuck in the closed position.

The danger of this is not always clearly evident. In my brain, those constant thoughts of everything to fix in every aspect of life is challenging but then something outside of my brain, ie interacting with another human being, doesn’t go the way I thought it would. When this happens, again and again, the pressure builds.
 
(random shopping cart on a pole in a park on a corner in a suburb of Sydney, Australia)


On a physical level, I feel chest pains, tiredness and my skin is itchy. Every article I have read about stress says that it shortens your life. Knowing this, I am striving to decrease the stress and live longer. HAHAHAH, easier said then done in today’s world.

So earlier this week, I decided to just be by myself (ok, the dog was with me too,) during the day, listen to music and do nothing. No school drop off or pick up, no interaction with others all because everyone else’s life is perfect and I didn’t want to see that.  (yes, I know nobody’s life is perfect but my brain likes to imagine that is how it is).  I fought with myself to follow that daily routine, but it didn’t feel right.

The days were so much longer. I felt more alone. My brain was still working overtime. The music was blasting at home, one song on repeat and the dog put her paws over her ears after 5 hours of the same song. I made the pressure even worse.

My friends missed me, wondered why I was missing stuff at school, invited me to lunch, dropped off presents through the mail slot in the door and I still couldn’t face anyone because I just wanted to cry. Crying might have been a good idea to release the pressure. Instead, I was dragged out of my self-imposed exile back into human interaction and an amazing showing of friendship on the fourth day.

This blog is my therapy. (and a safety valve to that pressure cooker of life :-)





Life’s Pressure builds up and needs to be released. It sneaks up on me. I don’t think I am alone in that aspect.

My safety valves are good times with friends, good music blasting from the speakers, laughing, and getting a new perspective along with traveling with the family.

What is in my pressure cooker of life? Are the kids succeeding at school? Am I giving them the support they need? Is that enough? What is for dinner? What is happening in the world of politics?

(Part 2, today, 2018.March.7)

Will anyone disagree with this statement?
BEING A PARENT IS HARD WORK.
Any takers? No?

No matter what you do as a parent, your child must choose and live their own path, even though as parents we know best. Right?

I know best based on the facts I have and my own experiences. I can give guidance. I can support. I can reason. The other human being can listen and hear what I am saying but they must make their own decision. And they have to live with their decisions and the path they choose.

As parents we create these new human beings because Love is LOVE. We only want the best for them. The best for them might not be what WE think it is. That is why it is so hard to be a parent.



As a parent to my children, I am committed to support them, listen to them, give guidance, be their strongest advocate in every situation, to show them the world and have them be confident. I am a cheerleader. I will see the good in them and shout it from the mountaintops and whisper it in their ear. I will give alternatives to decisions they must make. I will encourage them to take a place in society that is respectful, polite and honest. I will buy them snacks and candy so they have something to munch on when studying. I will believe in their potential. I will let them make important decisions about their own future. I will support and encourage them in whatever path they take after making those hard decisions.

My parents did all of the above for me. I am lucky. I had the support and confidence of my parents even though I often did the opposite of what they wanted me to do. My path through life has been fantastic- but it hasn’t been in a straight line. All of my “crazy” and “daring” life experiences have made me what I am thanks to my parents.

I am a cancer survivor. I am a fighter. I am a parent.  I only get one life to make it the best it can be.

Today was monumental. I will look back on it in the future as the starting point to the their path in so many ways.

Every day, I am trying to live my dream. I want my children to feel that they can also live their dream. I am there for them.




LOVE. GRATEFUL. PARENTS. OFFSPRING. FAMILY. FRIENDS. GOOD TEACHERS. EMPATHY.
LIFE. DREAMS. MAKE IT HAPPEN. 
LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.